The running commercial of happiness in my head, the one there since I was a little girl, consisting of my highest expectations that are impossible yet remain in my brain anyway, feels like the needle scratching across the vinyl of an old record as I sit with tears in my eyes wondering what I’m doing to myself. Why does my soul seek perfection? Why am I constantly seeking that perfect harmonic song of life?
I contradict myself, knowing other people in my life will never be perfect but I fully expect myself to be and wait for the time when I can say yes, I have the running commercial of happiness permanently! I know I should change the commercial to something that looks more like reality, instead of the scene where children are running around happy in the backyard as my husband and I kiss while grilling our delicious dinner. Everyone is enjoying life, even with the ups and downs. The commercial of happiness has been burned in my brain since childhood and seems incapable of varying it’s playlist and creating a divergent symphony. I’ve accepted this. I grieve the loss of my expectations while convincing myself I can still lead a happy life.
When my house, relationships and children seem to detour on a path I didn’t set out for I have to let my soul take in those changes, let them go through me and leave me. Thus allowing the path for this journey to be cleared with no expectations to derail me. My soul can be clear to enjoy life as it is, to be free, singing harmoniously without being in tune. This must be my new running commercial of happiness.
This doesn’t mean holding back feelings and being walked over, this means allowing life to happen as it is while letting shit go. Let people go. Let stress go. Let guilt go. That’s a big one I cannot seem to allow to just flow, the guilt. Let life happen as it unfolds, without all those emotions getting stuck inside making scratches and cracks, and look at it and decide it is well with my soul and is OK as is.
I know this process of soul harmony will take time, I don’t expect my brain to be able to do this immediately but if I have the intentions set and the willingness to look at everything a bit differently I know I will be on the correct path, diversions included. I’ll still grieve my expectations but I won’t let them sit inside and cause crumbles in the foundation. The capriciousness of life can’t make or break me, it should make me aware of the preciousness of all the small moving pieces to life and how I am but a cobblestone on the road holding my own. I am one note of a song contributing to the world’s symphony that is not always a masterpiece.
It is my melody, my songs and my words that contribute to my happiness. I will allow a melody to come forth without caring who hears it and how they feel about it or caring how it compares to the running commercial of happiness that little girl sung. Then sings my inner voice, quieting my mind, dancing to the tune of life, all the sopranos and the baritones and the harmonies in between.